My Favorite Things: Coming 'Write' Up

A United Airlines 737 in snowy Chicago

There are so many components that go into a flight and there are many chances for things to go wonky. Between catering, passenger issues, weather, medical events, and mechanical issues, it's nearly rare when nothing goes wrong.

There are many reports in aviation. Reports are vital for aircraft maintenance, so any time there is an issue on board that involves the mechanics, we must report them. We call them write ups and they can be for anything as minor as reporting that the carpet is coming loose at a seam or a reading light being out at one of the seats, to larger issues such as a jumpseat not working properly or an overhead bin won't stay shut.

Recently, before closing the door to the aircraft, I noticed a wire loose, just sticking out and waving hello to me, from inside the frame. That didn't look right to me, so I asked the captain to come take a look at it. Wires should be mounted at each end, not waving to flight crew!

No engine = a lot of reports!

In the end, it turned out to be a grounding wire. Nearly everything on an airplane is redundant (there are more than one, so if one system goes inoperative, it has a back up), and the same was true in this instance. Eventually, we were OK'd to take off and the issue was differed, meaning they would fix it at a later time. But it doesn't end there. There's always paperwork to fill out. A report in triplicate, rubber stamped, blessed and accompanied by a note from your mother. Many times something is a simple fix, but waiting for the paperwork to get completed by maintenance is the reason for a wait.

For flight attendants, we have reports for catering discrepancies, reports for using medical equipment, reports for FAA violations, or those who violate FAA regulations. We have reports for injuries, reports for extended delays and reports for safety issues. Thinking back, I'm shocked we didn't have a class in initial training for report writing!

I'm good with reports. I enjoy writing and I've spent a number of years working in the field of security, including one year working with the Secret Service at the official residence of our 41^st president of the United States. I'm pretty good with detail and keeping out emotions. Just the facts, ma'am. I've been told my reports are some of the best.

What's funny is the common thinking amongst flight attendants about safety...“Please take your seat, the seat belt sign is on and I don't want to do the paperwork if you get injured.” It's true. But what's really true is that nearly every trip has one report or another, and sometimes two or more. In fact, the very day after writing this story, I had a man pass out and require oxygen. He was able to walk off the flight on his own accord, and I had yet another report to fill out when I got home.

Fixing an oxygen mask compartment.

So working a trip and getting home and finding that I have no notes for any reports to fill out, doesn't happen all the time. It's nice that all of our reports are now done on line, so at least I can do them from the comfort of home. One of the best things about my job is that I can totally leave it behind once I leave the aircraft...save for a report or two. But when I have none, it sure is nice. It's my favorite.

My Favorite Things: The Double Chime

An arrival in Lisbon

Whether it's a great flight or one where, as I say, “I earned my money on that one!” there is no better sound than the double chime. Any flight attendant would agree. Ding...ding. At the end of the flight it means get in gear, the plane is now on final approach. If you're working with a crew member as dry as a slice of fruit cake, it means in half an hour you most likely won't fly with them again for a very long time. If you're about to start vacation, it means that all though your brain has been on vacation for a week, your body is about to finally get in synch. If at the end of a trip assignment, it means that you're home. After a long 4-day domestic trip, it's simply the best sound in the universe.

The pilots engage the double chime when we descend to 10,000 feet. They do so by cycling the no smoking sign off and back on. Right after take off it tells us the cockpit is no longer sterile, a term that means we are not to disturb them. On approach it's our signal to prepare for landing and that we can no longer bother the pilots with anything but safety related business.

At this point, we've picked up the trash and now we conduct our safety checks. No more pillows and blankets to hand out. No more water for your medicine. No more milk for your baby. It's go time. Safety checks (seats forward, bags, tray tables, and head rest are stowed) and a jumpseat away from what we hope is a short taxi and then get off the plane...we want to go home!

Jet bridge controls

What is better is when the double chime sounds early. Flight crews, just like our wonderful passengers, love arriving early. I once had a layover in Hawaii and arrived an hour early, which was splendid. On a horrid, short layover in a worn-out airport hotel, an early arrival means just that much more rest before going at it the next day. And when home, I love it when I reach my car and look at my watch and think, 'gee, had we been on time, I'd just now be touching down, yet here I am, in my Peng-UV, about join the masses on my commute home'. (Yes, I call my SUV a Peng-UV. Why not?)

There can be a down side to an early arrival, and don't even mention it, for it is likely to happen. The dreaded 'gate-is-occupied'. That's the worst...arriving early and having to sit on the plane...on the ground...even longer after a long flight. But when the gate is free, and we're early, that's a good day.

Waiting for the jet bridge

Another bad thing is having a gate, arriving to it, the engines shut down and the passengers are right behind me, waiting for the door to be opened, but there is no gate agent to bring the jet bridge up. “I guess they weren't expecting us this early,” I'll say to those just behind me.

And it's funny when we are due in early, the captain has stated as much on his several announcements, but a passenger will stop me to ask about a tight connection. I'll look at their ticket and see that they had 50 minutes when we were to be on time. “No worries, ma'am, we're due in 20 minutes early.”

You may notice often, flight crew standing in the galley at the end of the flight after the seat belt sign is on. We may be talking about our weekend or our next trip. We may be talking about the strange dude in 22A. We may be talking about the overly talkative pilots. But when you hear the double chime, you'll see us smile and maybe do a little dance. The double chime. It's my favorite!

Adventures in Flight: So What is it that you...do do?

Everyone, it seems, can relate to the airline industry. Everyone has airline stories- good and bad- and seems to love sharing them, regardless of who might listen. Most times, I'm happy to talk shop with others, that's what having Airline Disease is all about. But there are times when I enjoy one of the more popular perks of being a flight attendant- not taking the job home.

You may have flown next to a flight attendant and not realized it. We are keen to changing out of uniform any time we can and many flight attendants are even known to hide bag tags that can give them away. I know when I get a first class seat, I want to fit in and just be a customer; able to enjoy the privilege of flying in first without being looked down upon as just an employee by someone who paid thousands of dollars to sit next to me (I know, I'm worth it!).

Many flight attendants keep an assortment of stories at the ready for the question, “What is it that you do for a living?,” but are just not in the mood to hear horror stories or to be asked a ton of questions. Imagine a long day flying across timezones, dealing with screaming, unruly kids, attention-needy business passengers and the companion animal who tried to bite you every time you walked past. You get to your layover hotel, starving and in need of an adult beverage. You plop your bags down, shower the day's scum from your body, dress in humane clothes made of natural fibers and find your way to the hotel bar. Ah, human time, at last. Then the person next to you, already on their 4^th beer asks what you do for a living.

Some of the better skilled flight crew are quick to bring out one of an assortment of talk-killing jobs; “I'm here for a plumbing convention,” or “I'm an accountant for a bakery that specializes in fruit cakes,” or, “Oh, I'm just a process server, still looking for my piggie. So, what's your name?” Yes, the faces are often priceless and it squeezes the life out of the desire to get to know you. “I'll have the flat-bread pizza and keep the 'Ritas flowing, Barkeep!” Peace at last!

One of the riskiest things about this job is being in a metal tube with germ-carrying folk who love to share them. I'm always afraid my doctor is going to think I'm a hypochondriac, but fortunately, the tests are always coming up positive for this and that. In the past year, I've had Type-A influenza, numerous colds and now, strep throat twice! So off to the doctor I go. It was a slow Saturday at the clinic, (my regular doctor's office was closed) so I got to see every staff member in attendance, you know, to justify the numbers. Check-in lady needs this filled out and a copy of my ID. Nurse 1 takes my temp and vitals. Nurse 2 takes my history. The doctor comes in and this is where it all falls apart.

After asking if anyone in my household is ill, he asks what I do for a living. I tell him, and am next asked for which airline. With the straightest of face he then has the balls to ask me if I could get him a discount ticket. Really? I didn't think I had a fever, surely I'm hallucinating. “I can buy you a drink,” I shoot back, dryly.

Doctor Nuts goes into a few minutes of wondering why ticket prices don't go down when gas prices do and how you buy a ticket thinking you have a great deal, but then find that you have to pay for this and that and if the bag is over 40 pounds you pay another $5 per pound and suddenly I am not listening to him any longer, but begin looking at the art selected for the walls of the exam room and wondering why it is that I can't get my photos in a place like this. If I didn't look sick before, my face was contorted in pain now from hearing him drone on and on and he picked up the pace, perhaps afraid I was about to pass out.

He finishes his portion of the visit and nurse 1 returns. She must have spoken to Dr. Nuts about me and wants to know if I know her sister, who also flies for my airline. Of course, I don't, and I just want my shot and prescription so I can go back to my little cave I’ve made in my bed at home. A typical guy, I don't do 'ill' very well.

I'm asked to see the receptionist to handle the last of my paperwork and she, too, had a bad flight she just had to share. I've heard the stories, and I drown her out as I listen to a woman in the waiting area who in the next 4 minutes would say the word, “like” at least 30 times. “It was, like, the best thing I had like, ever seen. And he was all like, I told you. Like, didn't you hear me say that before? But I was like, well, you like, say that stuff all the time, and like, I just sort of like, ignore it...” Were there a gun within reach I'm not sure if I'd have shot her, or like, maybe myself!

Feeling bad is bad. Feeling good is where it's at. Feeling bad and having to hear someone's negative stories about your career is worse. Maybe for this doctor's visit, I should have said I collect deceased animals for the city. No one likes to talk about road kill, or if they do, that might be one interesting conversation.  

Passenger of the Day: I'll Have the Diet Weapon

A friend of mine recently forwarded to me a story and asked my opinion. You may have heard about it. A Muslim chaplain and the director of interfaith engagement at Northwestern University claims she was subjected to racist comments after being denied an unopened can of soda by a flight attendant who said she feared she might use it as a weapon.

FA Penguin holding a Bro can of Coke

The passenger claims that after being handed a can that had already been opened that she asked for one still sealed, due to sanitary reasons. The flight attendant refused, citing company policy. The man next to her ordered a beer, which was delivered unopened. When the cleric asked why he got a sealed can and she didn't, she claims she was told because crew was not allowed to hand out an item that could be used as a weapon.

A further protest claiming discrimination prompted the flight attendant to retrieve the can of beer from the man, opened it, and then returned it to the bewildered gentleman. She then huffed to the cleric, and moved to the next row.

The cleric then asked the man seated across from her if he had seen what just happened. Not only did he see it, but he agreed with it, supposedly saying something to the effect of, ‘you Muslim, you need to shut the 'eff' up.’ He then leaned over from his seat, and said, ‘yes you know you would use it as a weapon, so shut the eff up.'

First of all, I thought I may have flown with this flight attendant. I was shocked one day while working the beverage cart, when a passenger asked for a can of sparkling water unopened and the woman I was working with refused. I later told my flying partner that I was disappointed she didn't give out the can, saying that if a passenger is going to spend a few hundred dollars on a flight on our airline, the least we could do is give a can of soda. After all, there is no company policy against doing so.

Second, my initial response to the story was that the man across the aisle needs to be taken out back and shot. Maybe not killed, shot, but shot in the knee or something equally as horrid as what he supposedly said to that passenger. I have a weak spot for such bigotry.

Third, that passenger needs to get over it; being given an unopened can of soda simply for sanitary reasons? Had she claimed she was Kosher, that might be different. Or just admit that you want a can to take with you. I'm more than happy to oblige, but let's not make up stories or just be ridiculous.

What does Penguin think?

Fourth, as far as using a can as a weapon, sure, yes, it's one of the things we have at our disposal at 35 thousand feet, but let's face it, passengers can bring on cans of their own, knitting needles, skate boards, and grandma's 13 year old fruit cake to use as a weapon. They don't need to wait for us to give out a can of freaking soda to get their hands on a weapon. This flight attendant needs to chill the freak out! That's what I think.

The story has been making the rounds on social media and I'm not so certain of its authenticity. I later found out that this was not on the major airline for which it was originally reported to be, but one of the express jet airlines who operates their own company using the major airline's name. That was a relief for me. Other than the woman I hope I educated about the unopened can, I'd hate to think of flying partners on main line airlines being this dim.

Adventures in Flight: Rite of Aviation

Photo of Delta Crew

A flight attendant has her photo taken in the cowling of an airliner engine. It's something that's been done thousands of times. Even before engines had cowlings for us to climb into, sexy young flight attendants had photos taken sitting on the front of a propeller. It's a rite of aviation, something flight and ground crews do for the unique privilege of having access to doing so.

But in the case of this young flight attendant, a passenger witnessed her being photographed before boarding a flight. Then lo and behold, the woman being photographed was one of the flight attendants working her flight. The passenger obtained her name, found her on social media and then went to her local news team, who ate it up, and spat out a story about the photos; questioning its safety and necessity. They released the full name of the flight attendant, surely without permission, but never mentioned the tattle tale passenger.

When the news hit social media, saying she could lose her job, I caught wind of it right away. I immediately found the photo I had of myself in an engine and sent it to the newscaster's social media page. I then suggested to the flight attendant community that we all do so, and before I knew it, a movement had started. Hundreds of flight attendants world wide sent in photos and scathing letters.

Penguin and a 737 Engine

A few nights later, perhaps under pressure, the newscaster aired a second story. At first, I thought he was going to redeem himself with a new story about how this was really nothing. He explained the support from around the world, showed numerous photos of similar nature, including the one I sent him, and even included a few soundbites from our union president. Things were looking good, and it was exciting, knowing my photo was on the news.

But then he went and interviewed passengers to drum up support for his original story, which seemed to be that something dangerous went on here. He interviewed passengers? Passengers can be quite unknowing about the goings on of things aeronautical. They are often scared of bumps and aircraft noises, leery of crew and suspicious of other travelers. After all, look at how this whole mess started...a paranoid passenger who witnessed something that has happened thousands and thousands of times, and freaking out about it to the news media! Hello!

Flight crews in support of Ericka

One thing every photo you may have seen of crew members in engines is this...someone has taken the photo. Usually a pilot or mechanic, or other crew with pilots and or mechanics present. We don't go around jumping up into engines all willy-nilly and risking the safety of the very conveyance that will be taking us to our destination. We are a trained group of professionals. We are the first line of defense on board aircraft. We are screened and trained and overseen. We are flight attendants.

Better news stories might include adequate crew rest, job outsourcing, feet dragging in negotiation of new work contracts, putting the customer experience before safety concerns, food storage procedures or the obscene salaries of those at the top. But no, we went with an aviation rite misunderstood by a passenger and a news team who failed to do a thorough investigation.

This was a nothing story about a special privilege enjoyed by countless personnel in a safe fashion. It's a shame it was put under the bright light of confusion and scrutiny, but I'm proud of having had a hand in bringing some sanity back to the fore. So next time you're at the airport and see flight crew posing for photos on the tarmac, it's all right to be a bit jealous...we've worked hard to earn the privilege of being in these photos. It's not all right to go whining to a TV station and earning the scourge of group of airline professionals.

Airbus engine